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The Election Speech I’d Like to Hear

For the winner of The Tyee’s election writing contest, it’s not about education, health care, or the environment.

Ben McConchie 19 Apr 2005TheTyee.ca

Ben McConchie is 22 and lives in Victoria, BC. His is the winner of The Tyee’s contest inviting British Columbians under 25 to write about voting and the May 17 election.

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[It’s May, 16, 2005, one day before British Columbians go to the polls Gordon Campbell and Carole James walk out together on the stage holding hands]

Gordon Campbell: Good afternoon British Columbia! [Applause]

Carole James: Good afternoon fellow British Columbians! [Applause]

Campbell: My god Carole, you are looking fabulous today!

James: Thanks Gord. You know, when I see you in real life, you’re not actually the stiff, corporate lackey that the media makes you out to be. You look like a nice guy.

Campbell: Gosh Carole, you’re making me blush. We should really get on with the speech we prepared together for this occasion. [Applause]

James: I speak here today with a terrible worry on my conscience. I wanted to take the time today to apologize for all the negative campaigning I’ve done over the past month. I’m here to tell you that Gordon Campbell and the Liberals actually have some decent points to make. [Large gasp from audience]

James: Yes, it‚s true. Gordon Campbell isn’t to blame for everything that hasn’t gone right.

Campbell: Gee, Carole, that’s nifty. I, too, have something on my conscience. I wanted to say that Carole isn’t the "puppet-of-the-labour-unions-tree-hugging-leftist-communist-Glen-Clark-wannabe" that I’ve portrayed her as. She’s actually genuinely interested in helping British Columbians achieve their goals.

James: I’m not quite done apologizing Gord.

Campbell: Pardon me for interrupting you, Carole. That was completely my fault.

James: No, don’t mention it. [Hugs and kisses between the two candidates]

James: I also wanted to apologize to the people of British Columbia, especially to our younger generation, for turning provincial politics into a complete circus. I’m going to refrain from name-calling in the future, and try to listen to what the Liberals have to say.

Campbell: Yes, Carole has a point. Politics in B.C. has turned into the equivalent of a high-school student election. Perhaps I’ve been mistaken in telling British Columbians how stupid the NDP is, when I should be focused real issues -- issues that the NDP has thoughtfully raised our awareness of. [Even larger gasp from audience]

James: No wonder the voter turnout for those between the ages of 18-24 is 27%! We have really done nothing to include the young people of this province. We‚re busy bickering at each other, while a true vision for the future of the province remains off the agenda.

Campbell: I thoughtfully concur, Carole. Why would anyone in that age bracket vote, when we’re busy name-calling and negative campaigning? We look like complete fools to the average youth voter. No wonder political cynicism is so prevalent in British Columbia, it’s kind of our fault! Gosh, I should have thought of this all along.

[Suddenly, Green Party Leader, Adrienne Carr enters the stage]

Carr: Hey guys!

James: Hey Adrienne, sorry about pushing your views off the agenda by not recognizing you or discussing your party!

Campbell: You know Adrienne, I voted for you guys in the last election. [Group hug] You know guys, the youth of this province is important - now that’s not some sugar-coated campaign line - they are the ones who will be taking care of us when we get older. Which reminds me, I should look into my cuts in long-term care facilities.

James: Gord’s right, The young people of this province aren’t just interested in tuition freezes and post-secondary education. They are actually concerned about things like the future of our economy, social issues, and environment. Gord, they‚re the ones who are going to inherit this province from us.

Carr: Hey guys, I’ve been saying this all along.

Campbell: I know! I feel so bad for neglecting you guys and stealing your ideas. I thought was it politically necessary to help improve our party’s image.

James: A-hem Gord, aren’t you forgetting something?

Campbell: Yes. That‚s right. I‚m not sure if you could tell, but I’ve been trying to bribe British Columbians with their own money for some time now. Meanwhile, I’ve neglected to tell B.C.er‚s that there are a lot of problems that need to be fixed. [Campbell begins to sob, then begins to cry] I just want people to love me! Why don‚t they love me?! Why? [James and Carr put their arms around Campbell]

James: We do love you, Gord, we just don’t agree with everything. However, I think we’ve taken the right step today towards a brighter future for the youth of this province. By working together and moving away from petty politics, I think we can actually talk about real issues affecting the province in the future.

[B.C. Marijuana Party Leader Marc Emery Enters the Stage]

Emery: Hey, anyone of you guys wanna toke up?

Carr: That’s not my thing.

James: I don’t think so.

Campbell: I would LOVE to toke up! [Candidates leave stage to thunderous applause]

Ben McConchie is 22 and lives in Victoria, BC. He is the winner of The Tyee’s contest inviting British Columbians under 25 to write about voting and the May 17 election. The Tyee will publish two runner ups, and the high school winner, in the coming weeks.  [Tyee]

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