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Running for Premier of Oz

In which our hero Dorothy makes Green, Liberal and NDP friends on her way down the yellow brick road.

Will McMartin 27 Jan 2005TheTyee.ca
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After L. Frank Baum published The Wizard of Oz in 1900, some readers saw it as a political allegory, with especial references to the Progressive movement. With apologies to Mr. Baum, the following is a political adaptation for British Columbia.


Dorothy arrived early on her first day of work at the Legislative Assembly in Victoria. She had graduated recently from the journalism program at Vancouver’s Langara College, quickly found a job at a small television station, and was assigned to the Press Gallery.


But as Dorothy clambered up the legislature’s front steps, a cyclone suddenly swept into Victoria’s inner harbour.  Caught in the tumult, Dorothy was hurled upwards by the swirling winds. Around and around she went, becoming disoriented and losing her bearings, buffeted to and fro by the awesome power of Mother Nature.


At last the winds subsided, and Dorothy, dazed, found herself on the front lawn of Government House, the home of British Columbia’s Lieutenant-Governor. A kindly-looking woman stood nearby, watching with concern.


"Who are you?" asked Dorothy.


"I am Iona of the North," the woman replied. "Specifically, Skeena."

Dorothy was puzzled by this information, and so Iona explained that she was a former Trudeau Liberal from northern B.C. who had enjoyed numerous public appointments after serving a single term in the House of Commons in the 1970s. At present she was B.C.’s Lieutenant-Governor, and the current occupant of Government House.


"Wow!" said Dorothy. "It sounds like a sweet gig."


"It sure is," agreed Iona. "But all I do is rubber-stamp bills passed by the legislature. I’m the head-of-government, but the real power rests with the Premier. He controls spending of about $30 billion each year, doles out gobs of goodies to his friends, and has a big caucus of trained seals who bark at his command!"


Dorothy was impressed. "Golly," she said. "I’m new to the press gallery. Where can I find the Premier?"


"You just missed him and all of the other politicians and the news media," explained Iona. "You see, British Columbia is going to have a general election. Everybody is on their way to see the Voters in the Land of the Electorate."


"The Land of the Electorate," repeated Dorothy. "How do I get there?"


"It’s easy," Iona replied. "The road you must take is paved with taxpayers’ dollars, which look like gold bricks. So, follow the yellow brick road and soon you’ll be in amongst the Voters."


The Scarecrow


Dorothy thanked Iona and happily set off on her journey.


Presently she came to a meadow, in the midst of which was a lonely Scarecrow. Dorothy glanced at the Scarecrow, and then looked again, for it looked familiar. The Scarecrow slowly winked at her.


"Hi," said Dorothy. "I think I’ve seen you before."


"I’m the Leader of the Green Party," the Scarecrow replied.


"What are you doing in this meadow?" asked Dorothy.

"Shouldn’t you be on your way to the Land of the Electorate to see the Voters?"


"I heard that a developer or a logger or a miner was going to come here and destroy this beautiful meadow," said the Scarecrow. "Hundreds of high-paying jobs would be created, but I’m going to scare them away."


"You can’t meet Voters when you’re standing alone in a field," replied Dorothy. "Are you sure this is a smart election strategy?"


"What do I know about smart?" cried the Scarecrow. "My head is stuffed with straw and green stuff. I don’t know anything about election strategy. I have no brains at all."


Dorothy frowned. "Is that why you ran in the Surrey-Panorama Ridge by-election and embarrassed yourself by finishing third?" she asked. "Is that why you had a hissy-fit when the Citizen’s Assembly advocated electoral reform that wasn’t identical to your proposal?"


"I guess so," the Scarecrow sadly admitted. "I’d give anything to have a brain. You sound pretty smart. Can you help me?”


"I’m on my way to the Land of the Electorate and I’d be pleased to have your company on the journey," Dorothy said as she helped the Scarecrow down from her pole. "Voters have lots of brains. I’m sure someone can help you."


And so Dorothy and the Scarecrow set off down the road paved with yellow brick.


The Tin Man


Not long thereafter they heard a faint groan coming from the forest at the side of the road. "Did you hear that?" Dorothy whispered to the Scarecrow. They stopped, listened, and heard another groan.


Moving slowly into the forest they soon saw a big tree, partly chopped through. Standing beside it with an upraised axe was a tin woodman. "Did you groan?" asked Dorothy.


"Yes," said the Tin Man. "My joints have rusted because I’ve been chopping and chopping and chopping without rest for the past three-and-a-half years," he said. "There’s some oil in my tool-kit over there, but I can’t reach it. Could you please oil me?"


"I’ve seen you before," said Dorothy as she squirted oil into the Tin Man’s joints. "You look exactly like the Premier of B.C."


"I am, indeed," the Tin Man replied. "I am also the Leader of the B.C. Liberal Party."


"What on earth are you doing in the forest?" asked the Scarecrow. "We’re going to meet Voters in the Land of the Electorate. Why aren’t you?"


"I was," said the Tin Man. "But then I thought I saw some government programs for young children and elderly people hiding in the forest, so I stopped to take my axe to them. But I guess I was mistaken because I only found these trees. I started cutting them down, a natural reflex, I guess. But then I rusted up and have been stuck here ever since."


Dorothy looked suspicious. "Were you drinking and driving when you saw those imaginary government programs in the trees?" she demanded.


"No," gulped the Tin Man. "But my brother, who writes a ‘Government is Evil’ column in the ‘We Hate Taxes and Social Programs’ section of a major newspaper, told me I’d find wasteful public expenditures everywhere in the Land of the Electorate. It seemed perfectly natural to expect some here in the forest."


"It sounds like you and your brother are like me," said the Scarecrow. "You two don’t have any brains, either."


"Brains are not the best things in the world," replied the Tin Man. "I should much rather have a heart — or, at least, I’d like to trick the Voters into thinking I have a heart."


"How do you know that you don’t have a heart?" asked Dorothy. "Surely you must feel some compassion for the less-fortunate members of our society?"


"I don’t think so," the Tin Man smiled. "Why, my government closed down nursing-care beds for elderly British Columbians and separated married couples; we forced all disabled people receiving government assistance to undergo a painful review to ensure they deserved help; and we allowed universities and colleges to hike tuition costs by $400 million per year, thereby punishing students from low-income families."


"That does seem heartless," Dorothy agreed.


"We even took away the seniors’ bus passes," the Tin man said. "But the Voters got mad, so we had to give them back."


Dorothy pursed her lips. "I guess you really do need a heart," she finally said. "The Scarecrow needs a brain. You better join us on our journey to the Land of the Electorate."


And so the three of them continued down the yellow brick road.


The Lion


They had not traveled far when a great lion bounded into the road and let out a thundering roar. Dorothy, the Scarecrow and the Tin Man merely stared at the beast.


"Aren’t you afraid?" the Lion demanded. "Don’t you know who I am?"


"No, and no," said Dorothy.


"I’m the Leader of the New Democratic Party," said the Lion. "And I can roar very loudly. I’m really quite powerful, and many people — especially business people — are afraid of me."


The Tin Man snickered and started sharpening his axe. The Scarecrow stared into space.


"Well, I don’t recognize you," said Dorothy, after a moment. "If you were the powerful Leader of a great political party, I’d know who you were and what you stood for. But I don’t, and neither does anybody else."


The Lion began to whimper. "I’ve only had the job for a year or so. It takes time to get known, and develop policies, and connect with voters, and.... "


"Nonsense," interrupted Dorothy. "If you were a Leader, you’d make bold decisions. You’d firmly declare your Party’s policies. I think you and your Party are nothing but big cowards."


"Our Party was in government for 10 years," the Lion moaned. "Everybody hated us. We became afraid to make decisions because we were criticized for everything we did. We lost our courage."


The Lion wiped away a tear with its tail and continued talking. "I hardly know what we stand for anymore. Why, I went to a B.C. Business Coalition meeting last summer and told them I wanted to be their friend. And then I told the annual convention of the B.C. Federation of Labour that I believed in balanced budgets."


"That doesn’t make any sense to me," said the Scarecrow. "But, really, nothing does. I don’t have a brain."


The Tin man snorted. "You’ll never be as good as me at chopping government expenditures to balance the budget. Plus, business owners and wealthy people won’t be your friend when they can count on me to cut their taxes and shift the burden to middle- and lower-income British Columbians. I don’t have a heart."


"I don’t have any courage," said the Lion. "I need courage."


"Well, you can join us on our journey to the Land of the Electorate," said the Scarecrow, linking arms with the Lion and the Tin man. "The yellow brick road will take us to brains, and a heart, and courage."


"Let’s go," said the Tin Man to Dorothy.


But Dorothy slowly shook her head as she looked at her three feckless companions. Then she slowly turned around and began walking back from whence she had come.


"Where are you going?" called out the Lion.


Dorothy glanced back over her shoulder. "Alberta," she muttered.


Tyee columnist Will McMartin is a veteran political consultant and a regular on CBC Radio's "Early Edition".  [Tyee]

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