Opinion

Big House 'Good Thing' for Martha

First she'll perfect the art of the cell. Then...?

By Shannon Rupp, 14 Jul 2004, TheTyee.ca

martha

With Martha Stewart's latest bid for a new trial denied and her sentencing date set for July 16, there has been another flurry of jokes about the domestic diva over-decorating her cell.

It's an amusing gag, but it suggests these people don't understand the true genius of Martha -- she won't be decorating JUST her cell. Nooooo. I'm sure she sees "the big house" as just more territory to fluff. Soon she'll have a contract to decorate the entire prison -- and all those places like it. Mark my words: Martha Stewart institutionalized will lead to "Martha Stewart Institutional," a line of linens sold to hospitals, women's shelters, and group homes for troubled teens.

A stint in the slammer would only enhance Martha's career because I suspect she already knows, intuitively, what a British psychologist has recently found: decor has an impact on how people feel. David Williams, a researcher at the University of Westminster in London, found that people experience pain more intensely when it happens in a room decorated with vivid photos of wounds. (Or, I would argue, those cheesy art-mart prints.) He concluded that hospital ambiance -- pine disinfectant, cold, clinical decor, and torture-chamber machinery -- just makes patients feel worse.

Thinking big

"Only an operating room needs to be that clinical," Williams told the New York Times. "The smell, the look, the whole appearance, everything which says, `This is a hospital, and you have no control. You are here to suffer' - all are changeable."

Can't you just see the business opportunity in that quote?  He's suggesting there is a legitimate need for extensive lines of therapeutic sheets, towels, crockery and furniture. It's a whole new industry: Therapeutic Decorating.

Decorating for Pain Management could be a variation on the country cottage style with lots of white-washed furniture and cheery striped and floral sheets -- call the pattern "Recovery."

The Good Health line could offer psychological support as well as sheets with a 300-thread count. For insomniacs they could come in a restful pale blue ticking stripe, which would give them something to count. Over at the shelters, sheets and towels could come in soft shades like "Brave Yellow" or a quiet blue called "Self-Esteem."

Rehabilitating people and stuff

For prisons, where they need to make good on the promise to reform people, I can see sheets in neutral shades that create a Zen-like calm while suggesting the importance of conforming to authority and maintaining impeccable living standards. Maybe they would have names like "Quiet Riot" or "Phoenix Rising."

Not only will prison provide inspiration for Martha, it's bound to be Nirvana for someone who has a penchant for handmade goods -- there are all those idle hands in search of projects. Martha could teach her new friends how to hand-weave high-priced carpets, and mass produce slipcovers. Maybe she could introduce some decorating therapy workshops into the prison curriculum: Relieving Distress by Distressing Furniture. There they could learn to whack the furniture (instead of each other) in order to create that much-loved antique look.

Eventually, these prison craft shops could be turning out all sorts of reasonably priced  decorating goods, under Martha's label, while giving the dregs of society a valuable trade.

I can also see a series of books: Character Building Through Spring Cleaning, Esteem-Building with Accessories, or The Civilizing Influence of Good Design.

Comfort food

Many prisons already include gardening as therapy, but I bet Martha could take the training up a notch, and franchise it. Imagine the armies of Martha-trained cleaners, tailors, painters, faux finishers, and garden designers who could start life anew by delivering services as part of the "It's a Good Thing" chain. Maybe their signature uniforms could be classic black and white stripes?

And it would take a legend to improve on the legendary bad food found in institutions, so maybe she could write Martha Stewart: Cafeterias, Cooking for a Thousand or More. Soon public school kids all over the world would be dining on Martha's mac'n cheese for the masses.

The woman doesn't think small. Incidentally, that's why I doubt that the former stockbroker worth billions engaged in some petty corruption that would net her about $50,000.  But I'm not ashamed to say I'm looking forward to her stretch in the hoosegow -- I think it's going to lead to many a good thing.

Vancouver writer Shannon Rupp is a frequent contributor to The Tyee.  [Tyee]

23  Comments:

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  • Ragamuffing ... (not verified)

    7 years ago

    This is a good satirical article, Shannon, but Martha as the Warden of Style barely tickles me anymore. Maybe because there are so many people with true problems, I can't even rouse up the slightest feeling one way or another for some rich lady whose hand got caught in the cookie jar and who will probably spend what little sentence she receives in a country-club prison. Would that a judge sentence her to actual community service, say, in rural Kentucky, or maintenance work in 'the projects' of Queens, or on toxic clean-up crew in New Jersey! How I would dearly love to see the former CEO of Enron cleaning bedpans and sterilizing water in a Rwandan genocide-survivor women's AIDs camp. Why don't these spoiled selfish criminals ever get sentences where they actually see the real cost of their crimes?

  • lewis swift (not verified)

    7 years ago

    Well done shannon, and I agree with raggamuffin, only more so, the entire u.s. republican party and a good many "thirdway," democrats, could build an awful lot of character by spoon cleaning mexicam maquilladora latrines, or even by coaxing 200 pound american methamphetamine addicts to just say no, live and in person, perhaps armed with some inspirational bon mots from pat robertson and others...or perhaps they could experience the wisdom of the marketplace by going door-to-door, in the ghetto selling embroidered and crocheted doilies with the warm homilies of rush limbaugh and others stitched in in petit-point....

  • allan (not verified)

    7 years ago

    I guess Martha's big time to some, but quite frankly, I get bored reading about her self-induced problems and the speculation as to just what she will do with all that time on her hands. One can be quite sure the diva of disdain will not do penance in the same conditions as a welfare mother or others whose income doesn't stretch to seven-figures. Yes, I am certain, we will get ongoing updates as to her time in the slammer, amid daily speculation if she has gone straight, seen the light, or exits on early parole. One thing is for certain. When she does complete her time Martha will go back to being a wealthy if aging, spoiled brat who will continue to enjoy the good life thanks the legions of fans dumb enough to pay for something simply because it has her name on the cheap plastic wrapping. But Shannon I am disappointed you would end a humourous article with a disclaimer on her guilt, but then suggest that, even if innocent, it's ok, because ''I think it's going to lead to many a good thing.'' Please elaborate on some of those good things you're speculating on. Otherwise it reads like so much of the entertainment fare that passes for news these days. I am no fan of this lady, but she is going down as a sacrificial symbol to atone for the much greater crimes of the marketplace carried out by crooks who were just as greedy if not more, but who had the smarts not to flaunt it.

  • Eddy Haskel (not verified)

    7 years ago

    There is no point in sending Martha to jail. In fact, such a move will prove pure folly. She will just learn to be a better insider trader there.

  • Bailey (not verified)

    7 years ago

    Why does everybody dislike this woman so much? She took advice from her broker, who wouldn't? Then she found out he wasn't supposed to give it and nervously tried to fix it. So what? As crimes go this is somewhere way below your average business lunch deduction. Government dopes do worse things all the time.

    I just get the strongest feeling that the Martha Stewart name has been shamelessly exploited to keep Enron off the television screens of America. Like the Savings and Loan robbery (by the bankers) Enron execs stole Billions from hundreds of thousands of regular stiffs but all we heard about was Martha erased a number then wrote it back.

    Very very nice, if you are the greatest thieves in history, to be nowhere in sight because this decorator is such an easy target.

  • lewis swift (not verified)

    7 years ago

    I don't really have that much against martha stewart, bailey, I thinks it's people like enron's ken lay that should be in jail, but he has connections with the bush family, I believe stewart's a scapegoat, america's way of saying, "see, we do punish the rich..." especially if they're women and not connected financially with the bush family, half the bush family should in jail, from their part in the 80s savings and loan schedule, and from the bush family connections to osama bin laden, both georges and dubya's grandfather who sold arms to the nazis -see michael mooore's dude, where's my country?....

  • lynn smyth (not verified)

    7 years ago

    I agree with the posts above that suggest Martha is largely a scapegoat to deflect the focus away from the high crimes of Enron and erase their severely tarnished image from the public's consciousness by using Stewart's celebrity. She is also a Democrat with a lot of money (a lot less now) and I think there is a political influence at work here that is trying to replace "Republicans as thieves" imagery with "a Democrat as thief" symbol, in the minds of the voting public.

  • shirin (not verified)

    7 years ago

    Frankly, I think the art of satire is worthy of a larger - or more profound - subject matter than the fallen Mean Queen of Clean with a Sheen. I don't hold that much animosty towards the woman to actually write a gleeful mock-ridden article of her state of affairs. She was one of the sacrificial lambs of a merciless mercenary market - and an easy prey due to her reliance on others for expertise. She may have been an expert at both folding and baking sheets - but trading stocks was apparently not part of her well-stocked pantry of expertise - ironic considering her empire was built on such banking sheets. Whether she is feigning ignorance or indeed she is truly a simpleton when it comes to affairs of the fickle mock market - the fact that her crime gets punishment when the entire bush wacking wackos sit on a tyrant throne choking on words and pretzels is something that leaves me questioning the ability of the human species to judge coherently in matters of justice and life.

  • Adnuces (not verified)

    7 years ago

    For starters, Martha Stewart should have known better. She is, after all an ex-broker herself. She knew the information she was not public and acted on it knowingly. The broker's assistant on the other hand may not have been aware of the illegality and the implications of passing this information to her. The broker should have and he knew better along with Martha. These are not the charges though that she was charged with. She was charged because she lied and tried to cover up her actions by altering records etc. Now if that was you or I we would receive a slap and a fine. I think in this case her notariaty left her at a disadvantage. I think they used her as the sacrifical lamb in corporate wrongdoings.

  • Bailey (not verified)

    7 years ago

    Adnunces, I agree she probably should have known better, but I just don't care. Her petty nonsense has filled the airwaves while Enron, who came very near bankrupting California through the greatest deception ever practiced, were hardly mentioned. That's California, the State. They knowingly scammed and ruined hundreds of thousands of small investors, most of whom were retirees living off investments, so they could keep the money themselves. On top of that, it looks now as though maybe two or three guys are going to take the whole fall for it.

    Between that and Stewart's folly, which would you think would have been the bigger news story, all things being equal? And why wasn't it?

  • Bailey (not verified)

    7 years ago

    An interesting sidelight on the Enron situation...Arthur Anderson were Enron's accountants throughout the whole period when this stuff was happening. In disgrace, they changed their name to Accenture. BC Hydro profited hugely from the California power manipulations, and were sued for it by California, again, that's the State.

    Guess who is being allowed to buy up BC Hydro under the BC Liberals.

  • lewis swift (not verified)

    7 years ago

    What I don't understand is how the wealthy in the states are always allowed to take the fifth amendment, ie, I refuse to answer that question on the grounds it might incriminate me....as did both enron's ken lay, that world com guy, and several others recently.... Has anyone ever heard of even one poor person charged with a crime using this defense??...It's certainly not common...

  • lewis swift (not verified)

    7 years ago

    Greg palast. a respected american journalist working for bbc media, presented a very compelling case that enron was using the world bank as a kind of fork to pry open and loot the oyster of the argentinian economy, and then buy up public assets at garage sale prices, in his excellent book, All the Democracy Money Can Buy, also featured is great exposure of the sham of tony blair's thirdway government, and the vote chicanery in florida during the last us election, including blatant manipulation of the voter's list, still absolutely unpunished, online stuff available on palast also....

  • Bailey (not verified)

    7 years ago

    lewis, the fifth amendment is a defense against torture by police to make other proof unnecessary. Policing is hard to do if youre honest, stupid and incompetent ones are always tempted to take shortcuts. Until Bush began to search out ways to avoid it, all prisoners and their spouses were protected from this abuse by being given the right to refuse to testify for their own prosecution. Even with the protection false and tricked confessions are being uncovered more and more by the Innocence Committee.

    It's an important defense against oppression by authority.

  • lewis swift (not verified)

    7 years ago

    Yes, bailey, thanks for your clarification...america's history of ignoring the legal rights of its poor, except in the odd favored jurisdiction, has been endemic to its legal system, michael moore's tv show, the awful truth had an episode showing that is common in many counties in california, to threaten poor people that insist on the, I believe, jury trial, they are entitled to, with a sentence of ten years or more if they refuse to pleady guilty as charged, the line is basically, insist on your rights, and we'll make sure you serve major time, this is justified, as "unclogging the court system, and saving the taxpayer money," and it is appalling....america railroads its poor....

  • Kit (not verified)

    7 years ago

    Shocking information re Accenture and Enron, Bailey. I am utterly amazed that Accenture was chosen by Campbell and the BC dumbells. Watching Larry Bell, with that fake way he speaks - tell the populace how "good" this was for the Province just made me feel utter rage at the time. I knew it was a scam, selling to these offshore skimmers. Are they all in cahoots at somew level or is this excuse of a "party" just that utterly incomptent as provincial representatives of anything integral?

  • Bailey (not verified)

    7 years ago

    The connections are very many and not very direct. For the same reason that nobody can prove collusion between oil companies even though the price fix is transparantly obvious. They never have to meet or conspire but they are still in cahoots. It's a matter of character and interests. The elite here admired and approved of the manipulation of California's power sector because, not despite it's being a huge scam. Anyone with BC Hydro stock also profitted.

    Before the dust of Enron even settled, Campbell went to New York and arranged things with the company that was renaming itself Accenture. A letter of fawning praise from Campbell to the head of Anderson, excuse me Accenture, at that time which mentioned the meetings was leaked by I think it was the HEU.

    They aren't incompetent and they aren't particularly in cahoots. They're just all cut out of the same cloth. They watch each other operate, admire each other's gambits, and throw each other bones. The fact that the bones they throw are ours just makes them sweeter.

    John Dillinger once robbed a police station on his way out of town after robbing the bank. The police were all at the bank at the time. Later he was asked by a reporter why rob a copshop; there's no money there.

    His reply,"Well, that one was just pure art for art's sake"

  • lewis swift (not verified)

    7 years ago

    Very good, bailey. There's also that old joke that you can't really rob a bank, you can only BORROW from one, because the bank gets it back any way....

  • tsanh (not verified)

    7 years ago

    We can justifiably punish anyone who lies to the court why the hell can't there be a process to do the same to lying politicians? El gordo bin lyin to us and does he get five months?The statements used to campaign for public office should by the law of the land carry an accountability to the people for the truth.Martha pays gordo walks...I'm disgusted.

  • lewis swift (not verified)

    7 years ago

    Welcome to the club, tsanh, my advice is class action lawsuits, and if gordo loses the next election there's going to be an abundance of grounds for suing, once the public gets their hands on all the material the bc liars have been hiding...

  • Bailey (not verified)

    7 years ago

    Dear tsanh, I agree. Political lying has become so organized and so dangerous that I believe it's time to enshrine the idea of public duty into the criminal code. To lie for gain should be perjury when done by someone who has taken an oath of office. Or someone who is campaigning to take one.

    BC alone, leave out the rest of Canada, has been looted of thousands of millions of dollars worth of taxes and public property paid for by us, our parents and their parents, and there needs to be both recourse in law and protection against such practices.

    One could easily speculate that if Enron was so involved in criminal activity, then Arthur Anderson Accounting was also a criminal organization. If Accenture resulted entirely from Anderson Accounting, then what is Accenture? For help answering that question, refer to the recent scandals in Ontario, and their activities in Alberta.

    The observant, or maybe the cynical, are more and more convinced that the political process is in the control of crooks who have their own agenda. It used to be that some trust could be granted to those who serve the public, but the completeness of the deception practiced by the right wing parties in order to gain power, coupled with the stunning cost of the destruction they then wrought on society and social structures rules out trust completely. Our peril is too great to trust them anymore. They are clearly not who they claim to be. So who are they?

    Everybody is talking about proportional representation as a way to reform the system, and it may be so, but not until some means is established to enforce honesty among representatives. Without that we will never again be sure who we are electing, to whatever party. Remember who you thought the Liberals were, when we elected them?

  • albe (not verified)

    7 years ago

    "perchance to dream" nice article shannon but as everyone should be aware of by now , the taxpayer cost of incarceration far out weighs benefit to society/ interned. Raggamuffing has it headed in the direction that appeals to me but does not go asa far as i like: m.s. has great opportunity to share shelter and her good fortune in socoety with the hungry and homeless. perhaps for a inovative sentence m.s. should provide rooms and soup for a number of persons on her own dime ,i.e. estates, she could also provide training at her businesses to low skilled but eager for skills persons{ many are available}, unemployment is endemic among single men in Hartford conn. i'm told. perhaps the judges hands are tied in sentencing of this type,alas but to dream as she knows only to well.

  • lokjiy (not verified)

    7 years ago

    Allowing for errors ,Albe , may have an interesting concept for nonviolent felons. Taxpayers burden of course is being shifted to flat taxes across North America, the taxes are being paid over 40 per cent by sales tax in most locales, so why not have the unfortunate whom are able and willing provide private sector services in lieu of running up an incarceration tab. Common sense say to me this is the way to give back to the community.

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