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Everywhere I Turn, Mulroney

Just when you thought it was safe, here comes his kid.

Tom Barrett 4 May 2004TheTyee.ca

He haunts me still, doc. He haunts me still.

Everywhere I look, I see him. The Guccis, the voice, the chin. Omigod, that chin. That chin.

Well, it's been going on for a while, doc. Years ago, long after I thought we'd seen the last of him, he started popping up in the Globe and Mail. Just the odd column at first, some opinion piece by some guy trying to convince us that he wasn't as bad as we all thought he was. Trying to convince us that the GST and free trade were really good and Tunagate and the deficit and all the other stuff he left us with were no big deal.

Then they started writing about how the Mounties were picking on him and how his reputation was being tarnished and his honour was being besmirched.

So I figured, well, this is just the Globe and Mail. Maybe the boss there has a soft spot for him, you know? I figured that if we all ignored him he'd go away.

Can't wake up

But no, it got worse. I tell you, doc, pretty soon he was everywhere. TV. Local papers. The National Post. Do you realize the Post alone has mentioned him 358 times in the last 12 months? Doc, that's more than once a day in one newspaper alone!

He was like Superman: unifying the Tories and the Alliance; putting together a deal to save Air Canada; helping solve the mad cow crisis.

I saw someone writing about how he had charmed the socks off the Queen. I saw how the international jet set had flocked to his birthday party. I saw how he was going to write his memoirs. God save us.

I think I saw something that said he was working on a cure for psoriasis.

Obsessed? Doc, you bet I'm obsessed. Last year I even started seeing his son everywhere. The kid's got a column in the Toronto Sun. He's hosting Canadian Idol. He's on CTV all the time - even in the middle of the night. I keep having this nightmare that I'm wasting away in some old folks home and the only thing on TV is this guy's grandkids.

Resistance is futile

Paranoid? No, I don't think I'm paranoid, doc. This is really happening. I'm not imagining it. Besides, I haven't told you the worst part yet. I'm not just seeing him in the media now, doc. You've got to believe me here - he's everywhere and I mean everywhere.

The other night when I was coming home on the SkyTrain he was standing in the middle of the car talking about how he's going to have the last laugh on that Stevie Cameron.

He was in the Sun Run, I swear, dressed up like a giant U.S. dollar bill and telling us to vote for Stephen Harper.

Last weekend I did the Grouse Grind with my girlfriend, just trying to get away from everything, you know? Half way up the mountain he jumped out of the bushes and told us he could get us in to see his old pal George Bush, Sr. if we wanted.

I'm not making this up, doc. Yesterday I went to Subway for lunch and there he was behind the counter, wearing a cap and those plastic gloves they put on when they make your sandwich.

He told me to stay away from the tuna.


Tom Barrett is a Vancouver writer. [Tyee]

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