Please Advise! Sarah Palin, Canadian Ambassador?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a Ph.D in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

White House spokesman and Melissa McCarthy impersonator Sean Spicer was recently asked if Sarah Palin might be appointed U.S. ambassador to Canada. He did not deny the rumour.

Might this horror be possible?

Signed,

Horrified

Dear Horrified,

Sarah Palin, ambassador to Canada. It makes a lot of sense. As a former governor of Alaska who got the hell out of there at the first opportunity, she has come to know our country intimately through the airplane windows. And where else would you put her? Imagine making her ambassador to Austria — she would be giving away toy kangaroos and saying “G’day mate” to a lot of confused Viennese officials. As ambassador to Japan she’d be sending undercooked sushi back to the kitchen and asking to leave flowers at the site of the most recent Godzilla attack. As ambassador to Mexico she’d be... well, that might be fun to watch actually. Still, ambassador to Canada makes more sense.

Think of it as our contribution to the world. We would be taking one for the team. A while ago there was talk of Palin becoming a cabinet minister. Which would you rather see: ambassador to Canada Sarah Palin or secretary of defense Sarah Palin? If you could switch Betsy DeVos from U.S. secretary of education to U.S. ambassador to Canada, wouldn’t you? Trump really ought to appoint eight or 10 U.S. ambassadors to Canada. Let’s get Attorney General Jeff Sessions up here, Steve Bannon, General Mike Flynn, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, DeVos, radio whack job Alex Jones, the whole nasty gang.

A stream of refugees has been trekking across the snowy landscape to reach Canada recently because they believe it is safer here, and the same principle could profitably be applied to the highest levels of the Trump administration. Let Trump send a steady flow of trolls, cranks and morons across our border to be swallowed up in the vastness of the Great White North. Once here, they could be sent out on excursions to pose for photos beside cute polar bears, or perhaps on backcountry treks to engage in the traditional Canadian custom of throwing sticks of dynamite at snow-packed mountain slopes.

There’s not much Palin could screw up in Canada. It’s true there is no exact French translation of “You betcha,” but it would be entertaining to hear her try. She and Kevin O’Leary could spend their afternoons having lunch and making the waiters snicker as they try to order coq au vin.

When Republican presidential candidate John McCain selected Palin as his running mate in 2008, many were appalled at her ignorance. Eight years later, we discovered the terrible truth: the only reason Palin did not go on to become president of the United States is, arguably, sexism. Anyone who thought that she faded politically because she is among the least qualified people ever to run for American high office subsequently saw that argument thoroughly demolished by the election of Donald Trump. Palin is more qualified for the presidency than the current Oval Office occupant.

Not a whole lot more qualified — Palin arguably wouldn’t be considered overqualified for a regional manager position at Staples — but as a former state governor she has more paper credentials than he does. And since everything we found out about Trump during the campaign demonstrated that he is an infantile moral degenerate, a man who could never strike a Faustian bargain with the Devil because he has nothing to sell, you have to give the nod to Palin. Hard to imagine Sarah Palin being more qualified for the White House than anyone else alive, but it’s all relative. And these days that relative is a creepy uncle wandering around in a bathrobe.

So sure, let Sarah Palin become ambassador to Canada. Maybe if she spends enough time here she will learn our ways. Any official emissary of President Trump should acquire the habit of saying, “Sorry.”