Please Advise! How Bad Will 2017 Be?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

It’s a new year. Can you stare into your crystal ball and predict what 2017 will bring?

Signed,

Curious

Dear Curious,

My crystal ball is not much use to me these days. It has parental control settings. So every time I ask what 2017 will bring I just get “This channel is unavailable.” It’s for my own protection, I know. But it means I am reduced to guessing.

Some conjectures for 2017.

The next U.S. ambassador to Canada will be someone who thinks Canada is a hoax.

One day on CNN, Trump spokesperson Kellyanne Conway will be in the middle of yet another explanation of why exhibiting any rational judgement or human decency makes you an out-of-touch elitist when suddenly her features will fold up like a collapsing paper bag and it will be discovered that all of her organs, viscera and skeletal system have been consumed from within by her own corrosive hypocrisy. Medical researchers puzzling over why Republican Senator Mitch McConnell remains immune to the same phenomenon will eventually discover that the Senate majority leader is actually a variety of life form commonly found near deep sea thermal vents, impervious to heat, toxic gas, or human shame.

The Oscars, the Grammys, the Golden Globes, the Emmys, the Tonys — all these awards will fade in importance. Instead, the greatest honour in any artistic field, the ultimate sign of accomplishment and creative distinction, will be to have Donald Trump tweet that you are overrated.

There will be a provincial election in B.C. on May 9. I have spoken.

During the campaign, B.C. Premier Christy Clark will announce plans to build a wall and have LNG pay for it. When asked what the purpose of the wall will be, Clark will refer all questions to Liberal fundraiser and condo king Bob Rennie.

Under the Trump administration Washington will quickly become a fetid, malarial, gator-infested swamp. Global warming deniers will point out that this has nothing to do with climate change, and for once they’ll be right.

After asking Congress to pay for his border wall, Trump will introduce legislation to rename Congress “Mexico.”

BC NDP leader John Horgan will come up with a diabolically clever scheme to unite the labour and environmental wings of the party, promising to support the Kinder Morgan pipeline project only until it is built, and then to immediately reverse course and order it dismantled by union labour. However his plan to promote the scheme by replacing NDP campaign signs with bright orange weather vanes will backfire.

Rising sea levels brought on by global warming will lead to flooding on Vancouver streets. Residents will be thrilled as they discover that salt water does wonders for icy sidewalks.

Conservative leadership candidate Kellie Leitch will announce that her plan for promoting “Canadian values” includes a complete ban on all Mexican food “until we can figure out what the hell is going on.” Although much criticism will result, Leitch will subsequently achieve a remarkable 100 per cent share of candidate media coverage.

In his final address to Americans, President Barack Obama will warn that opening snack food packages with automatic weapons fire can be dangerous. As the subsequent death toll reaches seven figures (Wyoming, Montana, and Texas are decimated), the NRA will continue to urge Americans to ignore the elitists and keep exercising their God-given Second Amendment snack food-opening rights. Plummeting Republican poll numbers will be linked to attrition.

Following the failed Bay of Fundy invasion, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau will grow a massive beard and ban all cars built later than 1958. The Canadian economy, while suffering under the Trump embargo, will enjoy tremendous growth in tobacco cultivation. A crisis will develop when U.S. satellites detect single-payer health-care systems within striking range of upper New York state.

The Cleveland Indians will win the World Series and change their name to the Parrots after Edwin Encarnacion swats 65 dingers. The last-place Toronto Blue Jays will enjoy only one sell-out crowd, on Management Ritual Seppuku Night.

One thing is certain: The moment Donald Trump becomes President Trump he will take possession of the nuclear launch codes. Which makes all the rest of this speculation very hypothetical.