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Please Advise! How Big Is the Demon Factor in the US Race?

Dr. Steve reveals all about the dark one’s role in the presidential election (and mentions Satan too).

Steve Burgess 12 Oct 2016TheTyee.ca

Steve Burgess writes about politics and culture for The Tyee. Find his previous articles here.

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

On his Oct. 10 broadcast, syndicated radio host Alex Jones revealed that, according to what he calls high-level sources, both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are actual demons from Hell.

“There are dozens of videos and photos of Obama having flies land on him, indoors, at all times of year,” Jones told his listeners, “and he’ll be next to a hundred people and no one has flies on them.”

“Imagine how bad she smells, man,” Jones said of Hillary. “I’m told her and Obama, just stink, stink, stink, stink... Obama and Hillary both smell like sulphur... they smell like Hell.”

Are you concerned, Dr. Steve?

Signed,

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

Am I upset? You bet I am. Jones claims he got this from “high-level sources.” I want to know why Satan is returning Alex Jones’ calls and not mine? I have sacrificed to the Dark Lord regularly. Bought a satanic altar at Ikea — try putting one of those together if you really want to experience Hell — had a goat pen installed just off the living room and everything. But do I ever get hot, hot scoops from the flame-roasted vaults of Hades? Not once. Well, there was that one tidbit about Ted Cruz putting his soul on eBay and getting no bids, but that wasn’t big news to anybody.

It has certainly been a hellish week for The Donald. Sunday’s debate in St. Louis followed the release of a recording made before a 2005 appearance on Access Hollywood, in which Trump is heard boasting that his stardom allows him to do whatever he likes to women, including skipping the traditional handshake and proceeding directly to sexual assault.

The release of the tape has been called a bombshell, a scandal, a disgrace. About the only thing you can’t call it is unbelievable. “Anybody who knows me knows these words don’t reflect who I am,” Trump insisted later, and he may have a point — it’s the allegations made by his targets that really tell the story. In the wake of the Trump tape, his remaining level of support in the next national poll will probably double as a database of potential sexual predators.

On the other hand the whole thing could be another example of Trump’s political genius — almost no one is talking about his taxes anymore. And once the next tape or video comes out we’ll all forget about this one. Brilliant.

You can also give credit to Trump for remembering his northern friends. During the debate he described Canadian health care as “a disaster... catastrophic.” It’s nice to know that even if Trump doesn’t care about the plight of Syrian refugees he does at least have some sympathy for the cesspool of misery that is Canada. But I wonder if life in Canada is really that bad compared to the U.S.? I notice that after spending a few days in Texas the Toronto Blue Jays were determined not to go back.

It’s a bit of a mystery who released the Access Hollywood tape. And it’s not completely clear where Alex Jones got his big tip about Clinton’s demonic nature either. Jones says it came from a “highly-placed source.” But did it come from the Evil One himself? I doubt it. Putin is just too difficult to get on the phone. Lucifer, maybe.

Actually, Jones may have caused some new problems for Trump. As usual the Orange Lord made a number of factual misstatements during Sunday’s debate. Trump lied about his “sex tape” tweet, about Russia, Obamacare and taxes, to name just a few fibs.

And at one point Trump referred to Clinton as “the Devil.” Whereas according to Jones’ high-level source, she is only a demon. Not the same thing at all and no doubt to many voters relatively reassuring.

But the revelation that Clinton is an evil demon explains quite a lot. Someone clearly cast a spell on the Republican party this year. It’s as though the GOP made a Faustian bargain, but instead of asking Mephistopheles for magical powers they asked for a 240-pound mound of sentient guano with weird hair.

Who could make a political party behave this way? Could it be a party leadership that has long promoted a world view of fear and loathing? Could it be a base of voters who suck all of their news straight from the sewer pipe that is Fox News? Could it be a political culture that mixes triumphant ignorance with paranoia and a persecution complex?

Inconceivable! It must be demons. So well played, Alex Jones. If you don’t mind my asking: are you sacrificing sheep or goats? Obviously I’ve got to up my game.  [Tyee]

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