- Ms Kaye is a Tyee Builder. You can be, too.
- Mary Carlisle is a Tyee Builder. You can be, too.
- Prem Gill is a Tyee Builder. You can be, too.
- Nancy Flight is a Tyee Builder. You can be, too.
- Justin Everett is a Tyee Builder. You can be, too.
- John Westover is a Tyee Builder. You can be, too.
- Nora Etches is a Tyee Builder. You can be, too.
- Edward Henderson is a Tyee Builder. You can be, too.
- Bharadwaj Chandramouli is a Tyee Builder. You can be, too.
- Dean Chatterson is a Tyee Builder. You can be, too.
- Marius Scurtescu is a Tyee Builder. You can be, too.
- Robert Parkes is a Tyee Builder. You can be, too.
- James Murton is a Tyee Builder. You can be, too.
- Susan Doyle is a Tyee Builder. You can be, too.
- Vincent Strgar is a Tyee Builder. You can be, too.
- Helen Spiegelman is a Tyee Builder. You can be, too.
- Subir Guin is a Tyee Builder. You can be, too.
- Kimball Finigan is a Tyee Builder. You can be, too.
- Joanne Manley is a Tyee Builder. You can be, too.
- David Leach is a Tyee Builder. You can be, too.
Britney Shorn! Gay Rev Reborn! No Telus Porn?
And more in our fast rewind of February.
It's the Year of the Pig, except on Superbowl Sunday when Colts mauled Bears between cool ads. B.C. Premier Gordon Campbell turned green while his mining minister, "Not the real" Bill Bennett, worked blue. Britney went crazy, Prince Harry went to Iraq and James Cameron found Jesus while CNN stopped covering the war to focus on the biggest story of 2007 -- the death of Anna Nicole Smith. It was the shortest month, so that means it's already time for a long look back.
Harper gets Gored
ReformaTory™ environment minister, John Baird, claimed his government's policies were praised by Al "is it hot in here, or it is it just me" Gore, prompting an immediate denial from the Oscar winner. Gore claimed that not only did he never praise ReformaTory™ policies, but he's never even heard of Canada.
Following a study showing Canada has the worst record on greenhouse gasses of all G-8 countries, Prime Minister Steve skipped the House of Commons vote where MPs passed a motion supporting the Kyoto Accord. However, Steve swears he's taking global warming seriously and, to prove it, he's named his dog "Ozone."
The Canadian government has demanded that the British government stop claiming the seal hunt is "cruel." They've also demanded that they stop referring to seals as "cute."
The ReformaTories™ finally revealed how they plan to implement their ultraconservative agenda without actually looking conservative to voters. They're reorganizing Canada's legal system to make sure they only appoint judges who believe in all the things that Steve ordered his members to stop talking about until they have a majority. Like, you know, rights and freedoms and all the ones they oppose.
Emerson gets bored
Federal Party Trading Minister David Emerson announced he may run in the next election. If elected, Emerson promises to faithfully serve whichever party forms the next government.
Parti Québécois leader André Boisclair says that if he's elected premier, he will not hold a referendum because, "losing would be humiliating." However, he says his party is still all about sovereignty and promises that if elected he will insult anglos and ethnics on a regular basis and whine a lot.
The federal NDP proposed creating a new national holiday in February. Future former NDP leader Jack Layton says he plans to keep proposing more holidays until he starts polling in double digits.
A CBC investigation used blind testing to discover that canned tuna may contain dangerous levels of mercury. This was confirmed because until they ate the tuna, none of the testers was blind. Meanwhile, the CBC has announced plans to increase its presence on the Internet -- so that Canadians will have the option of not watching their shows online.
The Father, the Son and the Grandson?
Oscar winner James Cameron claims he's found Jesus. Literally. Cameron and Canadian director Simcha Jacobovici found a tomb they say holds the bones of Jesus, Mary Magdalene and their son Judah. If scientists are able to prove beyond any scientific doubt that the findings are real, theologians will call them liars.
And speaking of favourite sons...Justin Trudeau announced that he'll be running for MP in Quebec. Asked how he plans to live up to his father's legacy, Trudeau just shrugged and flipped reporters the bird.
The bitter ACTRA strike ended as Canadian actors and producers finally reached a deal -- months after U.S. producers decided to move all their productions elsewhere because of the labour unrest. The new deal...The producers agreed to only expense their meals in restaurants where a majority of the waiters are ACTRA members.
Celine Dion's hometown in Quebec has decided to name a street after her -- a very skinny street.
The new Canada Food Guide was released and recommended that everyone should eat more than Celine Dion.
Campbell's green, BC's in the black?
The BC Liberals delivered the greenest throne speech in history, but neglected to mention how they planned to fund their green programs -- aside from saving some money by fuelling the legislature entirely on bullshit.
In order to help save the environment, Dr. David Suzuki asked Canadians to stop buying imported bottled water and start drinking from the tap. Meanwhile, a new poll shows British Columbians wouldn't spend an extra $100 in taxes to help save the environment. On the bright side, they would spend it on really good bottled water from France.
Telus cancelled plans to broadcast porn videos on cell phones after complaints from the Roman Catholic archbishop of Vancouver. Telus officials were disappointed, claiming they were only trying to perform a public service by making porn more accessible to the homeless.
Law and Order: Canadian content
Vancouver police chief Jamie Graham announced his retirement. Graham says he's looking forward to a lot of good days at the firing range.
The jury at the Robert Pickton trial will be getting a week-long spring break. And to help them relax, the Crown has offered to buy them all tickets to a Broadway production of Sweeney Todd.
Former CFL star Trevis Smith was convicted of intentionally spreading HIV and was sentenced to five and a half years in prison -- where there's no chance of him spreading the disease.
Karla Homolka gave birth to a beautiful baby sociopath. The baby daddy's name is not known, but the smart money's on Satan.
Log Cabin Republicans
Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani announced he's running for the Republican nomination for president. Giuliani made the announcement by confirming that despite being pro-choice and pro gay rights, if he's elected he'll make sure he only appoints Supreme Court judges who oppose both. Yes, really.
The disgraced former president of the U.S. National Association of Evangelicals, Reverend Ted Haggard -- who made headlines after a male prostitute claimed they'd had a three-year affair -- announced that following three weeks of counselling, he is now "completely heterosexual." Haggard says he hopes to return to the church where he plans to introduce a new element to evangelical services -- altar boys.
U.S. airports began testing a new "Backscatter X-Ray" machine that allows security guards to see absolutely everything. Officials deny civil liberties groups' charges that there's anything intrusive about seeing passengers naked and plan to pay for the new technology by selling scans to Telus. And Ted Haggard.
Professional Holocaust denier Ernst Zundel finally found a home in Germany. He'll be spending the next five years in jail after being convicted of denying the Holocaust. After he serves his sentence, Zundel plans to move to the only country that thinks he's sane...Iran.
And the U.S. has ordered North Korea to "get out of the nuclear business entirely" or...um...they'll be really upset.
Not That Innocent...
Britney Spears finally fulfilled her destiny by becoming this generation's answer to Michael Jackson -- a chart-topping former pop star who will only be remembered for turning herself into a sideshow attraction and late-night punchline. In the past two weeks, Britney shaved her head, got a tattoo, attacked a car with an umbrella, checked herself into rehab and announced plans to trade her children for a chimp and buy the elephant man. It looks like Fed-ex will now be getting custody of both the kids and the career.
The British government announced plans to send a copy of Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth to every secondary school in the United Kingdom. U.S. President George Bush was so inspired by the gesture that he announced plans to send every American secondary school a copy of Jackass Two.
And director Martin Scorsese finally received his best director and best picture Oscars for Raging Bull, but thanks to a typographical error the presenters claimed the awards were for something called "The Departed." ![]()



17
Login or register to post comments
dolphin
5 years ago
Hilarious
This was hilarious. I particular like the Karla Homolka one
Tieleman
5 years ago
Very funny once again - thanks Mark!
Lots of laughs here - and quite the month for material to work with - keep up the good work!
gordon
5 years ago
Betty Krawczyk's sentencing, Harriet Nahanee's murder
A couple notes on this event....
The most bizarre science fiction experience I could have ever dreamed living was the original sentencing hearing.
Imagine this...the courtroom was filled to overflowing with supporters, the walls were lined with sherrifs deputys, the prosecutor and clerk of the court were in attendance, the big black digital clock fitted squarely in the middle of the table where the clerk sat ticking out its large red numbers as time passed. The large black highbacked judges chair sat empty. In a few moments the voice of a woman echoed through the courtroom, as Madam Justice Brown via phone started reciting the crimes of Betty and all manner of voluminous precedents and plethora. It was truly the wierdest experience of my life, like a nightmare or a dream, but I was actually living it. I shook myself a few times, trying to cast off the demonic ambiance that permeated my spirit senses. This voice rose into the court, seemingly from the pit of hell itself, as an eerie pall cast itself over all in attendance.
I left reminding myself that it was not Betty that was on trial, but it was the judges and the courts, the government of BC, and big business.
I might also add that..
A community is in mourning following news of the death of a 71 year old great-grandmother who fought to defend aboriginal rights and the environment. Activist Harriet Nahanee died at St. Paul’s Hospital in Vancouver on Saturday, February 24, one month after she was sentenced to fourteen days in jail for protesting the destruction of a wetlands for a highway bypass. Her death was hastened by the deplorable conditions of her incarceration and her already weakened physical state, to which the court took no account before sentencing her.
So the record stands for the Governement of BC....
One First Nation great grandmother murdered for these Olympics.
http://www.infoshop.org/inews/article.php?story=20070225145140402
BC Mary
5 years ago
Is The Tyee becoming a caricature of itself?
gordon,
I thank you. Betty Krawczyk must surely be thanking you, and if she had survived this ordeal, I feel sure that Harriet Nahanee would be thanking you, too.
You have written a sensitive account of an important event, richly deserving of wider understanding. What you described sounds to me like a turning point in B.C. history, and not for the better.
The Tyee seems to have lost its sense of direction.
thomas49
5 years ago
Quote:Karla Homolka gave
That HOMOLKA was even allowed to SPAWN shows the Canadian public how pathetic our so called JUSTICE SYSTEM is.
That scum should have fried...kill your own baby sister and get CLUB FED,then allowed back into the mainstream to be allowed to SPAWN ???
WHAT A SICK SOCIETY CANADA HAS TURNED INTO!
Name
5 years ago
Britney Shorn! Gay Rev Reborn! No Telus Porn?
Hilarious. More evidence it's a mad, mad, mad world!
skeptikool
5 years ago
Guilt by association?
Thomas49,
Karla Homolka gave birth to a beautiful baby sociopath. The baby daddy's name is not known, but the smart money's on Satan.
Heaping the sins of the parent onto the child? I'm almost as disturbed by the quote that you chose, as your own hate-filled post.
There is much sickness in our society. You got that right! Much vengefulness too.
Barnie Momo
5 years ago
What blogs are for.
I find these Monthly Windups very funny. I understand that poking fun at how people are portrayed in the media is not the same as poking fun at the individuals themselves.
One cannot always take oneself so seriously, right BC Mary? ... Well you can in your own blog.
Cultive your own garden I like to say, rather than critisize the garden of another.
;)
BC Mary
5 years ago
Look again, Barnie.
Barnie,
I could've sworn I was taking gordon's topic seriously, as it should be.
Nothing there about myself. Nothing wrong with a little respect either.
Barnie Momo
5 years ago
Subject of Discussion
BC Mary, perhaps you didn't realize, gordon wasn't the author of this piece, Mark Leiren-Young was.
If you scroll UP a little further you'll see the Tyee article I was commenting on.
Unless I'm mistaken this thread is for commenting on Tyee articles, it's not an IndyMedia blog, that's here http://www.indymedia.org/en/index.shtml .
The Vancouver chapter doesn't seem to be operating, maybe you could do some volunteer work for them to get them back on their feet. They need someone with a good sense of direction.
apollyon
5 years ago
Ressentiment
That scum should have fried...kill your own baby sister and get CLUB FED,then allowed back into the mainstream to be allowed to SPAWN ???
WHAT A SICK SOCIETY CANADA HAS TURNED INTO!
This quote is almost creepier that Karla herself.
How exactly should the justice system act? Completely arbitrarily following the whims of individuals full of ressentiment?.
BC Mary
5 years ago
Look one more time, Barnie. Try, try again.
Barnie,
gordon wrote the sensitive comment to which I clearly referred. I think you know that. But assuming you didn't realize that, do look again.
Perhaps you're taking yourself a little too seriously.
And if you feel I should only talk about the main article ... and that I can't thank another person (gordon) for his very compassionate comments -- why is that?
So how do you explain taking shots at me for no apparent reason at all?
And really, chum, you don't want me talking about "Britney Shorn! Gay Rev Reborn! No Telus Porn?" No, no. Trust me. You wouldn't like it.
Time to count your blessings. One by one. Slowly.
Dave2
5 years ago
Mark Leiren-Young, where
Mark Leiren-Young, where have I seen that name before... I think he was writing for the Ubyssey back in the early 80s... cripes I'm old...
gordon
5 years ago
No offense to Mark the OP
I added my comments because I felt this was one big overlooked important story. The Story of Betty K and and the death of Harriet.
Both of these very old women are showing more of what it takes to be an engaged human being with a cause to fight and die for than any of us could ever dream of doing. So as easy as it is for some of your keyboard quarterbacks to spout your rhetoric on what happened in the world the day before, remember that your only commenting on what others were actually DOING!
bTW Bettys sentencing continues on Monday March 5 9am at supreme court on smithe in Vancouver. Please if there is any way for you to attend please do, if you can pray about it please do. She will be sentenced on Monday and the crown is asking for for 9-15 months. Harriet died from getting pneumonia while at the Surrey Hell hole pretrial womens facility, Betty might have to spend some time there too, this is a lagacy of shame that all of us bare responsibility for in our inaction.
I pray this factionalization stops and we all see that it is us against them (them being corporations, big business and the goivernments that fund them with our money) and the sooner we unite and are able to send 10,000 to the streets no matter what the injustice in a matter of hours the sooner we will regain our dignity, power base, respect, and the sheer joy of coming together to show who runs the show, unless you really want to be criminalized, driven to the edge of town and dumped like garbage, and believe me they will do it unless you come to your senses and act now.
thomas49
5 years ago
creative editing
gee...more creative editing by the TYEE proving that FREE SPEECH IS A JOKE ON THIS SITE .
Homollka dealt with the same mentality when she bargained down her plea...THE HOLIER THAN THOU types keeping GARBAGE like KARLA and CLIFFY OLSON nice and warm and SAFE IN THEIR BEDS,all the while ignoring the COSTS to our SOCIETY.
Small wonder only a few people keep posting regularly here,the intelligent ones find solace elsewhere...
thomas49
5 years ago
wondering where ????????
the balcony rapist is ?????????
i know that there are those that whine about RIGHTS of the CRIMINALS that they Champion Rights for...like karla homollka,clifford olson,paul callow !!!
to bad VICTIMS HAVEN'T THE LAWS ON THEIR SIDE...
Good way to wrap up the month...showing how Vacant some out there really are,by letting them post their rhetoric and letting the GENERAL PUBLIC know how dangerous some posters out there really are .
THEY ARE REALLY OUT....THERE !!!
undeadgrl6139
5 years ago
Eh. We could wish for better
Unfortunately I must agree with Thomas. Law thinks because people who make more than average income are special. How fair is that to the ones who live honest lives?? The thing with Britney Spears, I often wondered if her children were safe either way. You've forgotten, she also tried to hang herself. If no one notices, it's all a stunt for publicity, because she'd spent so much time in the light, and suddenly felt forgotten. It turned heads away from Anna Nicole's death for a short period. But either way, why do they not force her to mental home and take her children? Oh wait, she is one of the lucky ones with lots of money and no brain whatsoever.