Jingle Hell
War on Christmas? Where do I enlist?
Sticker from XmasResistance.org
While we should all be used to the perfidy of pundits by now, I find John Gibson's book The War on Christmas a particularly cruel bit of truthiness that has returned this year in paperback to mock me again.
It isn't, as I had hoped, about how the disgruntled are organizing, Grinch-like, to overthrow Shoppapalooza. This War on Christmas is little more than a figment of the Fox commentator's imagination. He uses "Christmas" as a euphemism for "Christian" in order to give an outraged and convoluted account of how half a dozen public institutions are attacking Christians by acknowledging other winter holidays too.
And here I was ready to enlist: I'd already starting singing "Onward non-Christian soldier." But there is one bit of hopeful information in Gibson's book, buried in his account of the famous 2000 incident in which city officials banned Xmas trees from government spaces in Eugene, Oregon. It got worldwide attention, not least because reports said they were objecting to the "Christian" symbol of the Christmas tree.
Many a comic had a field day with this, as the rest of us wondered if there had been a complete failure of the public school system down there. Who doesn't know that dragging greenery into the house is a pagan tradition?
But it turns out, there was a method in their ignorance. Recalling the incident five years later, the civil servant in charge of tree banning said much about the importance of "inclusiveness," but there was also this little admission that suggests people may be using multiculturalism as a form of passive resistance to the loathsome shopping festival.
"We got many people saying, 'This is really offensive. It's one thing to have to walk into a shopping mall and get hit with a Xmas tree. But when we have to come to work and see the same symbol over and over? Can't we have some peace?'" he told Gibson.
Amen, brother. Evolution may be slower than revolution, but anything that puts an end to Christmas madness should be supported: bring on the naked dancing around the bonfire.
Coalition of the unwilling
I'm beginning to suspect I'm just a vocal member of a quiet revolution to kill Christmas. This hit me, literally, when I became part of a Keystone Cops style pile-up at the entrance to downtown Vancouver's Bay store. The cause was a woman who'd been stopped short when confronted by a surprise tree in the first week of October.
"Oh, Christ," she blurted out. "We haven't even had Halloween."
We commiserated a moment with other shell-shocked shoppers -- apparently Xmas does have the power to bring people together -- when she pounced on a by-passing sales clerk. Surprisingly, she joined the Christmas kvetch.
"It's depressing, isn't it? A lot of customers are complaining. We've been telling our supervisor, but she says Christmas is when we make our money...," she said, after casting a quick glance over her shoulder to confirm Big Manager wasn't listening.
Well, of course. This would explain why a grocery store near me had to move the display of fruitcake and plum pudding to make room for the Halloween candy. (Really.)
Despite Gibson's ill-conceived political argument, "Christian" and "Christmas" aren't interchangeable. Easter is the big event on the Christian calendar, so no one but Wal-Mart will be offended when we launch an offensive on the faux religious holiday.
Christians against Xmas
The Christian complaint against Christmas is beautifully argued in The Hundred Dollar Holiday: The Case for a More Joyful Christmas (1998), by Harper's writer Bill McKibben. He happens to be Methodist, but unlike the dogma-spouting twits who use the Bible to justify their own malevolent impulses, he actually knows something about his religion. For example, he's aware December 25 was celebrated as the birthday of the sun god Mithras, long before it was co-opted as part of a PR campaign to reinvent pagan myths as Christian.
McKibben isn't interested in perpetuating the Victorian commercialism that led 19th century merchants to resurrect the dubious holy day banished by Puritans. Nor is he keen on the obviously pagan revels of medieval times. He and his fellow parishioners in a rural church in the Adirondack Mountains wanted more emphasis on spiritual pursuits that reflect their philosophy. So they set a $100 limit on holiday spending.
"Many of our friends, Christian or not, felt that [the joy] has been robbed by the pressure of Christmas busyness and the tension of gift giving...Christmas had become something to endure..." McKibben writes.
Soon the poor man was labelled "Grinch" everywhere. Whereas I'm flattered by the comparison -- the Grinch's wild-eyed declaration that he "has to keep Christmas from coming somehow" has long been my inspiration -- McKibben was stung. He just wanted to celebrate Christ's Mass in a Christian fashion, fer gawdsake. But heaven forbid one should buck mass marketing.
I feel his pain. Ever since Dickens published his most famous propaganda piece, A Christmas Carol (1843), December has been tough for those of us who hate having our lives interrupted for nonsense. And what used to be a two-week event has now been extended to almost a quarter of a year of pretending to be joyful about all the ridiculous demands that leave us cranky and exhausted.
So it's fair to say that when the revolution comes, we can expect the genuine Christians to be onside.
Grinches and gremlins unite!
Festive resentment has been festering for years and was expressed brilliantly is the black humour of my all-time favourite Christmas movie, Gremlins (1984). When Katie (Phoebe Cates) confesses to the absurdly horrible way she learned there was no Santa Claus, you'll laugh out loud and then feel guilty for it -- in other words, it's the quintessential Christmas moment.
The comedy is set to a small-town backdrop that parodies all those sentimental seasonal films like It's a Wonderful Life. The Gremlins themselves are a metaphor for the downside of the whole dreaded business. By turns they're whining, greedy children who tear into noisy toys and puke under the tree or houseguests-from-hell who destroy their host's home -- one even blows his nose on the curtains. As they morph into nastier creatures, they become the partying drunks swinging from the chandeliers. But the wild-shopper-in-the-department-store is my favourite moment, as one of the Gremlins resembles the killer from Chainsaw Massacre. Anyone who has ever been forced to shop on Christmas Eve will know this character well, and cheer his demise.
The DVD makes a perfect stocking-stuffer: fun and subversive.
That's not a star, it's a light on the horizon
Previously underground, the movement to overthrow Santa and the elves now has celebrity backers. For weeks, Stephen Colbert, in his guise as loony right-wing pundit similar to Gibson, has been claiming he's a stalwart against "The War on Christmas." This endorsement alone should make hundreds of thousands of people go back to celebrating the Feast of Mithras, if only for the fun of goading Republicans.
Also on TV, W Network is airing a duo of British documentaries called Grumpy Old Men/Women (Dec. 20, 21), featuring celebrity cranks from across the pond. They despise the whole fruitcake: false bonhomie, bad carolling, and extended family. (Don't tell me there isn't widespread seasonal hostility out there.)
Even the pro-Xmas shows reflect a radical refit. During December weekends, HGTV features Christmas overkill specials, on tape-loop, but that isn't a sign of celebration. Shows like Outta Control Christmas and Extreme Christmas feature zealots who think one can never have enough garish lights on one's home -- which is really more of death rattle than anything.
When any endeavour enters the "extreme" phase and is turned into a spectator sport, it's just a matter of time before we ordinary folk are permitted to leave it to professionals. Mark my words: like ballroom dancing, Christmas will soon be one of those things we watch on television as it's performed by D-level celebs. I'm actually looking forward to seeing Anna Nicole Smith electrocuted as she tries to hang her own lights.
Or maybe that's just wishful thinking?
There's good reason to be hopeful. My annual search for fellow travellers turned up quite a few cells working on the Christmas coup. There's the Christmas Resistance Movement, which produces eye-catching posters and stickers with slogans like "End Compulsory Consumption" and "Boycott Christmas," designed for free download. Vancouver's own Adbusters, the folks who brought us Buy Nothing Day, also have a Buy Nothing Xmas campaign, which includes a nicely designed "Holiday Gift Exemption Voucher," which might just be the best gift you can give anyone.
Steve at the British Anti-Christmas Zone may have his heart in the right place, but even I find his site disturbing. It includes some truly ugly cards in a choice of phallic or non-phallic (each name links to different window at site). Download is free, but as someone who spent half her career as a theatre critic, let me remind you: there are many times when free is way too expensive.
Still, the sheer enthusiasm for the cause is heartening. While Gibson's War on Christmas might be imaginary, it turns out there's a whole cadre of people who are taking this battle seriously.
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James Burns
5 years ago
Comments on "Jingle Hell"
Other than groceries, I never really shop that much, so I only tend to be in the malls for birthday and Christmas shopping. I loath going to the mall at the best of times. I solve that these days by doing most of my gift buying online.
What I like about Christmas is the break from work it provides so many friends and family. I've already been to a few friends' parties where I've gotten home at 6am after a night of the modern equivalent of naked bonfire dancing. That is fun, and doesn't remotely involve the exchange of anything other than perhaps bodily fluids.
Unfortunately, the general public's idiotic consumption craziness can get in the way, not to mention the drunken reveling. Then again I live downtown, so hordes of drunken idiots are a regular feature of the neighborhood on pretty much every weekend of the year.
But anything that can reduce the buy, buy, buy propaganda would be welcome. Of course in the unlikely event we ever succeed, you just know the real grinches would find some excuse to take away the vacation days.
dolphin
5 years ago
In a Riverside, CA ice rink, where figure skater Sasha Cohen (who is Jewish) was performing, the event organizer brought a police officer with him to tell the school choir to stop singing God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen so as not to "offend" Ms. Cohen. Ms. Cohen was totally mortified as no one had talked to her about this.
Another Cohen (Toronto judge) ordered the Christmas tree taken out of the lobby of the courthouse so as not to "offend" members of other faiths. A leading Muslim cleric pronounced the move ridiculous.
A Jewish rabbi in Seattle was lobbying for an eight foot menorah to accompany the Christmas tree displays in the airport. Instead the airport took down all the Christmas trees. After a public uproar, and the rabbi's pledge not to sue, they put them back up.
The only thing offensive about these situations is the arrogance of the secularists who presume to know what is or is not offensive to members of other faith communities, virtually none of whom are offended by Christian seasonal symbols or activities.
It's the atheists with totalitarian gleams in their eyes that are instigating the whole mess. How about a little tolerance from them.
speedo
5 years ago
I don't get why people flip their wigs over the evolution of Christmas. I mean no one agonizes over Labour Day, bemoaning the loss of its true meaning. Who the hell cares? These are days off and parties are implied. Let's live it up!
G West
5 years ago
Well put dolphin.
Shannon appears determined to recycle the same essay several times this season. All this stuff is a little tiresome.
In the end it's an essentially pagan holiday that everyone ought to enjoy and besides, many businesses need the Christmas boost each year or they'd find themselves in the red for the whole year.
Then they might need a new business model entirely.
Half a good idea is better than none. Multiculturalism at its best makes everyone more tolerant. We just don't see it at its best much these days.
Moderation in all things.
Mkitty
5 years ago
I agree with G West...why does she write virutally the same article every year? How about changing your article and making it original next year Shannon?
I also agree with Dolphin about the stupidity about not putting up trees as they may offend somebody. I am not offended by a tree and I am not a christian. I wouldn't be offended by a menorah, or any kind of Ramadan symbol...whatever...let each celebrate his own religion and have tolerance for any and all of them..not pretend that none of them exist... it's all so stupid...
nightbloom
5 years ago
I agree - It's been flogged. So Xmas has become an orgy of consumerist gluttony, like everything else in society. Tell us something we don't know. That only makes it parr for the course, and a fairly accurate reflection of the evolution (devolution) of our value-system. Don't blame Santa, Jesus, Rudolph or George Bush for this one....look in the mirror people.
So Merry Christmas & happy holidays everyone! I'm gonna sit this one out.
Eddy Haskel
5 years ago
so dolphin... is it the atheists or the jews (your examples) who are behind it all? Most atheists i know have no god to offend or impress.
The brain
5 years ago
On one hand, you have people like myself who are sticklers for accuracy. Christmas is a pagan holiday and the majority of people out there know it. From another perspective, you have people promoting it to make money. From yet another perspective, you have people who are indeed, victims of commercialism. The environment alone, takes a good brunt of damage from such a holiday. Trainloads of plastic and PCB's, and dead tree's doesn't help things any. And from other perspective, you have the religious nutters who believe to this day that this pagan holiday is for real. And finally, we have what seems to be the majority of the population who is willing to comprimise or at the very least, put up with it because they are being polite and don't want to make waves. Common sense dictates the need for a family holiday and some time off in the dead of winter. The big question is, do we need a heavily commercialized pagan holiday for it, or can we move onto a more appropriate, less commercialized form of time off... its worth asking once a year. I owe you an apology by the way, Shannon. Take care.
murdock
5 years ago
I dislike the 'theft of time' that this foolishness brings out.
Time taken to do things like 'wrapping gifts' or 'writing cards'.
Better to gift give when you feel like it (more of a surprise that way) and give out thank you cards any time you feel moved to do so to those in your life.
Stop stealing time, as that leads to other pressures, which can bring out the 'gremlins' in anyone.
gordon
5 years ago
In the past few days Canadian troops have been amassing for a huge military assault in Afghanistan.
Yes on the eve of the birth of Christ and his message of peace to the world, our brothers and sisters will be hunting down the poorest peasants on the planet with bullets made by SNC Lavelin of Canada.
What joy this season brings to the sons and daughters of Canada, as we in the name of God send forth our children. To murder on foreign soil, for the now exposed lies of the American government.
How serene the picture as he sights his target, calms his breath and squeezes the trigger, with thoughts of back home, family opening presents as his bullet splits the skull of a child 1000 meters away.
Merry fucking Christmas
Grumpy
5 years ago
Is it possible to Libel Santa?
Christmas, in just a few years, has turned from a personal familly event to a mega consumer orgy. Even the TV news keeps us informed up to the minute, of sales. Are they more than last year? Etc. etc.
Christmas has gone, disapeared into a 3 week riot of screaming kids; huge & overpriced & very dry (dangerous) Christmas trees; parents fraught with emotional breakdowns, lest they buy the wrong present for wee wille; visiting relatives one doesn't (and vissa versa) care for; over eating and drinking; and finally self doubt as one thinks that they are the only Scrooges around.
Yes let's boycott Xmas and take it back to at least the semi religious affair it once was.
The first law I make would be - No Xmas advertising at all untill December 1!
The second law I would make - To have an item for sale, it must be in stock for at least 90 days and it must be 40% or more off the list price!
To recieve a Xmas holiday, one must prove that they attended a church, funerals and wedding included, in th past 180 days!
Bah Humbug every one!
Booker
5 years ago
I don't see Christmas as a Christian holiday. It's just a welcome break from work and a time to get together with family and friends. The people who remind us that Jesus is "the Reason for the Season" are quaint.
Here is a Suess-like response to the Faithful, courtesy of Pharyngula, http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula
And the Priest, with his priest-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without Jesus! It came without gods!
"It came without reverends, ministers or frauds!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Priest thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a church.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...needs a bit more research!
And what happened then...?
Well...in Doubt-ville they say
That the Priest's small brain
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his brain didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the books! And the logic and reason!
And he...
...HE HIMSELF...!
The Priest skipped church for the season!
nightbloom
5 years ago
I said i was gonna sit this one out, and i still plan to...but good grief check out these officious killjoys:
'Santa Claus does not exist' school tells stunned kids
http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article-23378895-details/'Santa+Claus+does+not+exist'+school+tells+stunned+kids/article.do
Latarnik
5 years ago
Why attacking only Christians?
I suggest several other exciting topics to obscure real life, religious and political problems. Fight circumcision of boys and girls by Muslim, Jews and Pagans alike. Make Muslim and Jews eat pork as a very nutritious and tasty food. Pork is plentiful and healthy. make Hindus eat beef, it is not their mother!
Start doubting whether 6 million Jews killed by Germans during WWII is an accurate number. (David Irving was just released from jail. He was imprisoned just for expressing such a doubt 19 years ago). Try to persuade cannibals to choose another source of proteins.
Say that Carbon Dioxide is necessary for plant growth and global warming is a hoax to enrich Russian oligarchs. Change your name and make your phone unlisted to survive all that.
Marry Christmas everybody. If I can celebrate your Hanukah and Visaki you can celebrate my Christmas.
mightyfastpig
5 years ago
Rather like Christmas itself, writers and editors have to do Christmas essays. It's tradition, like fruitcake.
I think it bears repeating, every year, that Christmas could do with a severe curtailing. My boss, who runs a retail store, was nearly in a rage when his point of sale system crashed two weeks before Christmas. When businesses get 25% of their annual revenue in the two weeks before Dec. 25, and the economy is depressed for a month afterwards, something needs to be fixed.
I'm having a $100 Christmas, though by necessity.
electric_bicyclist
5 years ago
If you like reading about the history of the pope (or popes) there is a new book non-fiction book available at the Vancouver public library called "The Perfect Heresy" that will surely shock most Christians.
If you'd rather think about happier times, go to Burnaby Village, which hosts Heritage Christmas, and an indoor merry-go-round.
Here are links to recent photos.
http://human-carillon.blogspot.com/
http://balloons-tunes.blogspot.com/
kalgirl
5 years ago
"Another Cohen (Toronto judge) ordered the Christmas tree taken out of the lobby of the courthouse so as not to "offend" members of other faiths."
I think a courthouse is exactly the one place, as opposed to an airport or department store, we really should be concerned -- not about 'offending' people (most people of other faiths may not actually be offended) but for the sake of representing the judicial system the way it's supposed to be: fair, just, unbiased, non-presumptive. A tree in a courthouse says, in all its current symbolism -
Now this approach may fly in a theocracy, but in a multicultural democracy it's just not acceptable. I don't know why this isn't obvious to all. There are distinctions and this is one.
kalgirl
kjc
5 years ago
Shannon Rupp, foot soldier in the War against Christ(mas).
The Tyee just can't seem to print enough of her shit.
To paraphrase dolphin, its those with totalaltiarian gleams in their eyes that are instegating the whole mess.
Everyone notice the Black Christmas (just another ethnic holiday)theme in controlled media(such as Tyee this year? I loved Mansbridge all in Illuminati black on Christmas Eve.
Since Cotler, it's a crime to offend a Jew these days. Why is that the whole world except for them celebrates the birth of the heir to their throne and to their office of high priest 2000 years ago? Could it have had anything to do with the deals their corrupt ruling class cut with the Romans were threatened? They tried to kill Him right from the start.
Bet there wasn't much celebrating going on in the wake of the slaughter of innocents.
La plus ca change gordon.