Artsculture

The Da Vinci Formula

So little sex, but so many climaxes!

By Steve Burgess, 20 May 2006, TheTyee.ca

The Da Vinci Code

Bettany as Silas: Albinos are the new dark.

Man, if albino monks ever get a lobby group together, look out Hollywood. They sure take a beating in Ron Howard's film of The Da Vinci Code -- and like it, too. It just goes to show how far you have to stretch these days to find a minority group you can pick on.

The inevitable film of Dan Brown's fluke publishing miracle presented real problems for the blockbuster movie industry. How to illustrate a blasphemous potboiler, especially so soon after Mel Gibson proved the big money lies not in tweaking Christians, but courting them?

Well, you start by trying to make nice. Akiva Goldsman's screenplay for The Da Vinci Code has more disclaimers than a carton of cigarettes. The Vatican is not at fault for the crimes depicted here, we are told, and Tom Hanks assures us that belief in a divine Jesus is a great thing too. The movie struggles to have it both ways, even throwing in quick technical denials of some of Dan Brown's falsehoods, just before accepting the same falsehoods in order that the plot may continue. There's an apologetic tone to the movie, as if Howard and company are saying, "Yes, we know we were saddled with some sloppy work here. But play along, OK? It'll be fun."

And is it? Sometimes. Personally I was grateful to spend so much time in the company of Audrey Tautou (playing gumshoe Sophie Neveu), and Hanks (as "symbologist" Robert Langdon) is always an amiable companion. But The Da Vinci Code sure wears out a pair of pants. And few pieces of summer entertainment have ever been so difficult to take at face value.

Monks with guns

But oh, those albino monks. Silas, as personified by Paul Bettany with contact lenses and lots of Reverse Grecian Formula, is a rough customer. Likes to whup himself, and back before the internet it seems the hard-line Catholic sect Opus Dei was the best way to meet folks who share those interests. Note to future albino Opus Dei monks: try a little less whupping and a little more target practice. After Silas shoots an old curator at the Louvre, the victim takes so long to die that he is able to set up lots of puzzles, enough puzzles to satisfy a convention of Sudoku fans. If only he could have said, "I'm not dead yet…"

But that would be inviting comparison to a much better Holy Grail movie. At any rate, the mortally-wounded old guy has enough time to paint the Mona Lisa in blood. He has enough time to send out blood-addressed cards to the FBI and Scotland Yard explaining the whole plot.

OK, maybe not that much time. It's a long plot. Happily it includes Sir Ian McKellen, who's a lot of fun. As Sir Leigh Teabing, he's a bundle of infectious enthusiasm, all aflame to follow that Grail trail. Damn near convinces us we're having a swell time.

For a movie with so little sex, The Da Vinci Code sure has a lot of climaxes. I counted at least three, although to be fair the last one is an anti-climax. By the time it arrives, you may be on your own quest for any leftover popcorn kernels that fell inside your shirt. Buy an extra-large bag.

What would Jesus say?

This movie suffers from the problem common to most adaptations of bestsellers -- the book's success gives it undue influence over the film. Directors must include the details fans expect to see, which can lead to serious cinematic bloat. (Hello, Harry Potter.)

Still, there were times when, against all expectations, I found myself accepting The Da Vinci Code as the straightforward thriller its authors swear it to be. The cast helps, and the production values are high. But trying to untangle harmless fiction from irresponsible fabrication while simultaneously trying to calculate the amount of havoc the Da Vinci industry is playing with real-life theological debate is a postmodern problem more complex than the movie itself.

To say, "It's just fiction," is disingenuous at this point -- Brown's book made wildly erroneous historical claims and insisted they were true. Consider: the whole conspiracy hinges on the existence of the Priory of Sion, which Brown states is a real, ancient organization. It isn't. The Priory of Sion was nothing more than a shabby hoax based on forged documents, perpetrated by a couple of Frenchmen in the 1950s and later repudiated by its authors in sworn court testimony. It was no more real than Hitler's diary.

The movie acknowledges this in passing when Hanks' character protests that the Priory of Sion "documents" were proven fake. As indeed they were. But Sir Ian quickly ripostes that this was just a cover story, and we're off down the rabbit hole once more. McKellen blurts out more scholarly "facts" which are simply untrue, tossed together with real facts in a sort of spinach-and-shit salad. To call this simple fiction is dishonest. The Da Vinci Code products are like those pathological liars who mix in snippets of truth to slip the bullshit past.

Saddest of all is that below all the crap, The Da Vinci Code is peddling a worthy idea. The argument that Jesus ought to be seen as an important human being, appreciated for his message, rather than as some kind of magical deity, is an important one -- one I wish more people would embrace. Too bad it is delivered here by such an unreliable narrator.

Steve Burgess is The Tyee's at-large cultural critic.  [Tyee]

22  Comments:

Login or register to post comments

  • dolphin

    5 years ago

    Comments on "The Da Vinci Formula"

    As a novel, The Da Vinci Code was an engaging read. As pseudo-theology, it's crap, pretending to be based on serious research. Christianity has survived much more credible assaults that this limp-wristed reworking of an old heresy, based on 1950's era "National Equirer" type myths (the Priory of Sion) and the addled scribblings of some 4th century flakes (the spurious "gospels"). Brown would have us believe that Jesus was the archetype of a goddess cult based on Mary Magdalene (after he ditched the crucifixion and scooted off to France to father a child, the scion of the Merovingian line of royalty. If people actually believe this tripe, I have some oceanfront property in Arizona to sell them.

  • G West

    5 years ago

    I have trouble with Hanks as the Robert Langdon figure; he seems much too much Forrest Gump to me whenever I see his soft puffy face. Why not someone suave like Pierce Brosnan? And Audrey Tautou as Sophie? - she's charming but way too much of a gamine for the role. She's supposed to be tough and worldly - easily the equal of Langdon's somewhat weak character. The role needs a stronger actor, in my opinion.

  • nightbloom

    5 years ago

    Good & measured commentary, and great point in the final paragraph to wrap it all up with. I couldn't agree more.

  • sdgreen

    5 years ago

    Browns 'Da Vinci Code' along with his others make for excellent and spell binding reading. But clear to me is the fact that they are novels, with some historical themes.

    The Da Vinci Code does conjure pause, indeed, to even rush to maps, other historical references to seek information.

    Whether the film version does this is another question. On the other hand likely good entertainment controversay aside.

  • G West

    5 years ago

  • nightbloom

    5 years ago

    Thanks for the link - good read.

    There's something encouraging in the relative mildness of the reaction. Nobody's put a Fatwah on Ron Howard or Tom Hanks, and even Opus Dei seems to be lapping up the publicity & exploiting the the sudden public interest in order to make themselves understood.

  • Umslopogaas

    5 years ago

    Imagine if somebody made a movie about Muhammed really being a ...well ... take your pick. Who needs a fatwah anyway.

  • RickW

    5 years ago

    Dolphin:

    Quote:
    the addled scribblings of some 4th century flakes

    Wait a minute! Aren't "significant" portions of the Bible taken from 4th century scribblings..........? In addition, when those who chose the tracts to be included in the Bible did so, what criteria did they use? Faith in the veracity of long-dead authors?

    Truth is, the very existence of a man we call "Christ" cannot be authenticated outside of the realm of faith. Most of the references are based on heresay, long after the original authors either fled or died.....

    However, there is no denying that the Roman Catholic Church and it's spinoffs, have been some of the more successful business ventures the world has seen.

  • nightbloom

    5 years ago

    No, most of the canonical texts originate from the 1st century (i.e. written by contemporaries of Jesus), although some of the accounts were written a few decades after his death. The same is true of the so-called "Gnostic Gospels" of those followers who didn't make it into the canonical anthology we now know as the New Testament.

    Jesus' existence is referred to in other contemporary (and secular) sources. For example, the Roman historian Tacitus makes direct reference to him and the crucifixion. The historian Josephus also refers to to Jesus. Whoever Jesus may have been, we know that he was quite a phenomenon when he lived.

    The really fascinating debate isn't whether Jesus existed or didn't (he did exist), but rather the dynamic use that was made of the story itself. How and why some versions and viewpoints lent themselves to the construction of a power-base and how others went to the margins (never quite disappearing) only to resurface in popular culture two millennia later.

  • G West

    5 years ago

    nightbloom
    The point is, did he rise from the dead?

    Believing that is no less difficult than accepting Jos. Smith's golden tablets or whatever it is L Ron Hubbard and Tom Cruise believe in. But that's the crux of the matter. In my opinion.

  • nightbloom

    5 years ago

    ...or no less difficult than accepting the liberal-Left mirage that humans can be perfected and "saved" by an ideological re-ordering of all society aimed at establishing the ultimate System and bringing about "the end of history" (as Marx articulated.....and subsequently reinvented by that recanting neo-conservative twit, Fukuyama). This secular "Salvation Narrative" goes right back to the roots of liberalism, to Jean-Jacques Rousseau himself ("Man is born free, but everywhere he is in chains").

    The Resurrection Narrative will mean different things to different people, depending on their needs. Most lay Catholics have always understood this, as do a variety of other service providers who make use of its potent imagery, for example the 12-step programs. Faiths have to be open to different gradients of belief, providing only that the core remains intact and true to the tradition's essential nature. Fundamentalist literalism is a cyclical phenemenon, the Gnostics being its first and earliest victims. We've seen Medieval, Reformation, and Modern varieties of the same phenomenon. Fundamentalist literalism is a human impulse that even has a secular wing among the ideological purists of the Left....

    What I've demonstrated on other threads, Gwest, is that the ideological narrative of the secular liberal-Left is just as easily deconstructed and held up to ridicule as the latter seem to enjoy doing to the faith narrative of Christians. Secular liberal ideology is pure contingency, not rational truth, and falls apart when you shine a bright light on it. It ultimately can't deliver on its promise in the here-and-now any more than can literalist interpretations of scriptural prophecy. I'm afraid you've got nothing over the Christians, Gwest. Sorry to burst your bubble.

  • RickW

    5 years ago

    Western society has had some 2000 years to "re-arrange" history to fit more to it's liking. As they say, the winners write the history books. So, by the time a copy of a copy of a copy is made, white may well become black.
    Here is a relatively simple example of fraud and deceit:
    http://www.tiac.net/~cri_a/piltdown/piltdown.html
    I would recommedn this reading:
    http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0765349647/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_k2a_3_txt/103-9093884-4947821?%5Fencoding=UTF8
    for some insight as to how history can be (and is) manipulated.

  • nightbloom

    5 years ago

    RickW - What's interesting about the debate surrounding the Da Vinci Code (i.e. the place of the Gnostic Gospels and their alternative account) is that it has totally bypassed the 2000 years of historical "rearranging". We're dealing with a clash between original documents here - No creative re-writes.

    You can't silence the dissenting voices....not even under tons of Egyptian sand. Every commercial bookstore is flooded with the Gnostic Gospels and analystical interpretations thereof, and now it's all over the internet too. Don't you see the irony?

    Christian history just looped around. It did an end-run around entrenched interests that took root 2000 years ago, and picked up on a post-modern outlook on the faith that began two millennia ago, but which was way too far ahead of its time.

    Now what both fundamentalist literalists and ideological nihilist secularists are both going to have difficulty swallowing is that, when it comes right down to it, all those texts are part of the same story and really don't actually change anything for the average believer or the garden variety agnostic.

  • Alcibiades

    5 years ago

    Quote:
    or no less difficult than accepting the liberal-Left mirage that humans can be perfected and "saved" by an ideological re-ordering of all society aimed at establishing the ultimate System and bringing about "the end of history"

    sez nightbloom.

    I thought you were going to give that stuff a rest.

    The end of history is just Fukuyama's discredited update, for the neocon right wing, of Daniel Bell and Seymour Martin Lipsett's discredited 'end of ideology theory' from the 60s.

    If any political faction believes in millenarianism these days, I don't think it's the left. As a matter of fact, I read a BBC story the other day about Bush’s last meeting with Abu Mazen and the Palestinians that left me pretty convinced the POTUS believes he’s been sent by God to save the world.

    I also see someone is suing David Horowitz, by the way.

    Quote:
    Just days ago I learned that Joel Beinin, a leftist professor at Stanford, was suing CSPC.

    This lawsuit is a politically motivated attack file solely as an effort to impose heavy financial costs on the Center, slow our National Campaign for Academic Freedom and silence my criticisms of apologists for terror like Joel Beinin.

    I'll give you details of Beinin's attack in a moment, but first I need to ask for your immediate financial support. I urgently need you to make a contribution of $50, $100, $250 or even $500 if possible to the CSPC Legal Defense Fund.

    Of course any contribution you can afford today is gratefully appreciated. As you well know, CSPC is not a giant organization. That we've been effective in exposing the radical left's hate America agenda is just one reason this lawsuit has been brought! But a legal battle could prove costly to the Center!

    We operate on a limited budget. We stretch every dollar we get to ensure our donors get the biggest bang for their contributions. Our National Campaign for Academic Freedom is an example of how your support and the Center's careful planning unite to generate the maximum effect.

    We've been so effective in fact, Professor Beinin has set out to chill our free speech.

    Coming from him, that’s pretty rich.

  • Alcibiades

    5 years ago

    nightbloom
    I see my New York Review of Books has another piece about the Gospel of Judas. Haven't had time to read it yet. I think it's probably on line, maybe for free, if you're interested.
    Ta Da

  • RickW

    5 years ago

    nightbloom:

    Quote:
    really don't actually change anything for the average believer or the garden variety agnostic.

    That about sums it up.

    For me these last few decades, I was interested in finding a history that wasn't entangled in gods and miracles. I have great difficulty in wrapping my head around supernatural phenomena as everyday occurance.

    Consequently, these "alternatives" show in part, that the world can be a secular place, and that miracles, while remaining miraculous, can be explained using the mundane rules we use to explain other things in this world.

  • G West

    5 years ago

    some less-mild reaction to the film:
    from the Ecumenical News International

    Quote:
    Some Indians want 'Da Vinci' banned, one offers bounty for author

    Anto Akkara
    New Delhi (ENI). Some Indian Christians are so incensed with the fictional blockbuster "The Da Vinci Code" they want the government to ban it and one Roman Catholic has offered a bounty of US$25 000 on the head of author Dan Brown, leaving other members of the faithful embarrassed by the reaction.

    The Mumbai Catholic Council has threatened to stop the screening of the movie if the government fails to ban the recently released movie of the book. Another group called the Catholic Social Forum has said if the shows go ahead it will launch a death fast from 12 May.

    Nicolas Almeida, a Catholic and former Mumbai municipal councillor, offered a reward of 1.1 million rupees ($25 000) for the head of author Brown, leading a Catholic journalist to compare Almeida to the Taliban.

    Still, the autonomous Delhi Commission for Minorities joined Christian groups like the All India Christian Council calling for a ban on the movie.

    The commission said the Da Vinci Code is "sheer blasphemy" and that it has "deeply upset Christian sentiments", in appealing on 10 May to the federal Censor Board to deny screening permission for the movie.

    "In a country like ours where vicious propaganda is used against Christian minorities by Hindu bigots, the movie will be handy for them to tarnish our image," Arnold James, a Church of North India member and Christian representative in the Commission, told Ecumenical News International.

    Archbishop Stanislaus Fernandes, secretary general of the Catholic Bishops' Conference of India, said the fictional work "belittles what is at the heart of Christian faith and cherished in Christian life", in a statement objecting to the release of the movie.

    "Every individual has a right to his religious beliefs and to enjoy the respect to them from the followers of other religions," said the bishops' conference in an 11 May statement.

  • nightbloom

    5 years ago

    Yeah, there's some scary people and scary places out there, Gwest. Believe it or not, books and movies get banned in Canada all the time, so it doesn't trouble me that a few literalists in India have sought this. You're always going to get that element. The only thing that's genuinely troubling is the alleged "bounty" - which the article clearly states has totally embarassed everyone else. I can assume the notion hasn't won widespread support...

    All in all, the worldwide reaction to the phenemonon has demonstrated how - on the whole - modern Christians have become fairly adapted to the modern free-marketplace of ideas.

  • Alcibiades

    5 years ago

    nightbloom
    With the obvious exception of certain fundamentalist groups, (not a small factor either, in terms of their numbers) mainly in the United States, I'll agree with that description.

    Those characters scare me every bit as much as the loony fringe of Islam.

    I'm not the least bit concerned about the Apocalypse. I’m very concerned about those who think it's a relevant, not to say, good idea.

    I just wish they’d look at the Jehovah’s Witnesses record of predicting the serial end of the world.

  • nightbloom

    5 years ago

    I think I follow your train of thought there, Alcibiades...

    I think it's important to keep in mind that the clash of religious and secular values in the modern age is fundamentally as clash of belief systems. Secular humanists, particularly those motivated by ideology, are really pushing an alternative system of faith & belief which has no more grounding in objective reality than the most fantastic claims of fundamentalist apocalyptic Christianity. They're just a little more oblique about it, and often more educated (which, as as a fairly educated person, I can attest means very little at all on these types of questions).

    The modern confrontation between organized religion and secularist fundamentalists is not a clash between rationality and irrationality, as it is often portrayed by secularists. It's a clash of competing belief systems. Neither actually has a corner on the "objective rationality" market.

    Ultimately, each person must formulate their reality for themselves out of the conceptual tools around them, and whatever else they can patch together out of the flotsam of the Culture Wars. Developing a worldview we can each individually live with is a creative effort, now moreso than ever before. I question the motivations of those who self-consciously set out to destruct the belief-systems of others...which is why I often appear to be "sticking up" for moderate religious belief on these threads.

  • Latarnik

    5 years ago

    It is a real pleasure to read that review and most of the comments. Steve Burgess should be writing to NEW YOUR TIMES and getting good money for it, but I do not expect such a change from NYT, Their review of MAIN KAMPF by Hitler on 15th of October 1933, was very complementary; and recently in one year 1999 they mentioned Holocaust in 273 articles, but Africa 32 times. NightBloom is right about attempts of socialists to perfect humans. Their GULAGS were actually called "ispravitielniy lagier" CORRECTIONAL CAMP. I interviewed many survivers of them and they all remember long hours of indoctrination (brain washing) One example:
    Jailer says:
    Feudalism was there and is gone. Right?
    Right answers the prisoner after 14 hours of hard labour.
    Capitalism was here and is gone. Right?
    RIGHT come the proper answer.
    Now is thw time for socialism. Right?
    AND THE SOCIALISM WILL GO TOO.
    After that insolent comment prisoner recewives two kicks in a groin, one for each..
    It is worth remebering that KGB, previously NKVD was the largest "employer" in the world. About 30 million "volunteers," all across Siberia to built great monuments to uncle Stalin. Most of them are in ruins now (monuments that is) prisoners are almost all dead — unperfected.

  • stevebailey

    5 years ago

    Great review, Steve! And Nightbloom, your comments are refreshing and thought provoking. As a Christian with a post-modernist bent, I believe the narrative surrounding Jesus is valuable and has profound applications to present social and cultural realities. If Brown et al. cause us to pause and think about that - then their efforts have some significant merit.

    • No best comments selected by an editor for this story yet. To see all comments, click the All Comments tab, above.
    • The discussion for this story is closed. No more comments can be added.