If It Loses US Election, Canada Party Proposes Wall

• America, But Better: The Canada Party Manifesto
• Brian Calvert and Chris Cannon
• D&M Publishers (2012)

[Editor's note: Last Saturday on The Tyee, the Canada Party laid out its top priority should it win presidency of the United States on Nov. 6. If you haven't heard of the party yet, check out our coverage of their plan to invade the American election here. This week, the Vancouver satirists reveal their surprising contingency plan if they don't win, with some image help by Tyee graphic designer April Alayon. Happy voting, America.]

Still, we know there is an outside chance we won't win the presidency, since all of America's stoned hipsters might be busy that day trying on tighter jeans and more ironic trucker hats -- and let's be honest, people who vote ironically are our key demographic. So we have come up with a contingency plan in case our campaign fails and we're suddenly faced with a drunk neighbour who hates us for having the audacity to offer to drive them home.

First we will recall all of our comedians and intelligentsia that we've loaned to the United States -- Mike Myers, Alex Trebek, Seth Rogan, Samantha Bee, etc. (They can keep Howie Mandell.) These good folks will team up with Rick Mercer, who will be given his own network.

The LHM Network, or "Lord Have Mercer." LHM will be divided into two departments -- a news division and a comedy division -- but we won't tell anyone which is which.

Next we're going to take a page from the American immigration playbook and build us a wall!!! Yeehaw!!!

The wall will span the entire 49th parallel, and will be built on wheels, so as global warming approaches from the south, we can just roll it north, eventually seceding from North America altogether and establishing a series of luxury beach resorts on the soon-to-be balmy shores of the soon-to-be-boiling Arctic Ocean.

Since 90 per cent of our population already lives along this line, we will grow crops on the north edge of the wall so most of Canada will be able to eat locally. To combat the wave of Americans sweeping across the border after the elections and overloading our health care system, we will build an obstacle course on the south side of the wall so only the fittest Americans can get through.

Sadly, we simply can't absorb the entire U.S. population, so for the ones that couldn't manage the obstacle course, we will supply them with the one Canadian invention they need most.

Hamster feeders filled with insulin.

As America is slowly consumed by global warming and comes to resemble the climate of sub-Saharan Africa, we will hold benefit concerts to provide aid for our struggling neighbours.

These concerts will consist of Bryan Adams playing his songs over and over until we raise enough money to make him to stop.

Lastly, to keep the American population happy and willing to stay in their own country, we will plant cameras along the border and tell them we've turned their entire nation into a reality show, and now they are all famous. Once the symbol of freedom and democracy to the rest of the world, America's steady decline will come to a screeching halt as they settle into their new role of the 21st century: Canada's people zoo.